What does an unmarried man know about what it takes to have a good relationship?
Well, according to divorce statistics, at least a 50% chance of being better than most who do marry…
But I believe marriage is a red herring — it “misleads or distracts from a relevant or important question”.
The important question is whether or not you experience authentic intimacy…
Authentic — to be your real self.
Intimacy — to share closeness.
Most relationships end up with little of both.
You know exactly what I mean.
Hidden resentments. Self-sacrifices. Unexpressed interests. Hidden desires. Guilty secrets. Compromises.
And that’s just the start of it.
Deep down we really crave being… heard… seen… accepted… respected.
Too much to ask?
Well.. as a matter of fact, yes.
To seek such a genuinely close level of acceptance and respect from another unique individual is a huge ask.
We’re also going through our own transformative life journey’s.
We don’t even think or feel the same as our own selves from one day to the next, let alone know what each other are going through.
This makes it hard to relate to each other on many, many levels.
And of course… the essence of ‘relationship’ is ‘to relate’.
Hence all the problems.
So, what to do?
I have experienced authentic intimacy enough times in enough ways to know that it’s possible.
The way I see things, it requires a major shift in attitude from traditional norms.
It requires that we put knowing someone ahead of committing to someone.
It requires that we make the early-stages of relationship much, much longer, more flexible, more tolerant, more open, more curious… less demanding, less possessive, less judgemental, less expectant.
And that is so, so hard to do.
In 2015 I spent some weeks of intense writing to describe what it takes to achieve ‘authentic intimacy’.
The ideas were based on a couple of relationship experiences I had in 2014.
One in which I quickly made (and realised) the number one mistake that… dare I say, women tend to make in early stage dating with men.
And one in which I coached someone with their own relationship troubles with men and quickly saw her transform into a dating deva.
I knew I was on to something.
But I never published what I wrote. I even recorded the entire thing as an audio program. The mp3 files sit collecting digital dust on my hard drive.
Why didn’t I publish? Because I wasn’t comfortable getting into the ‘dating advice’ scene. There were already plenty of gurus. I had other personal and professional interests to pursue.
But a few years on and the topic of authentic intimacy is still relevant.
Intimacy. Love. Connection. Nurture. Togetherness.
These are some of the vital ingredients for a good life.
So I’m going to publish some of what I wrote back in 2015, and might even work towards a final edited version to release as an audio book and short course.
If you're 'happily married' or happily partnered with your 'soul mate' and romantically, sexually, intimately fulfilled — perhaps this isn't for you.
But if you long for something truly deeper than the superficial appearances of 'relationship commitment'. A yearning for authentic intimacy that aligns with your soulful self, this may be the most important information you ever find on the topic of love, sex, dating and relationships.
For now, I’ve put together some of the 2015 descriptions on a new page here. (coming soon)