Dear Empowered Woman,
This is Man speaking.
And I need to get something off my chest…
I know you’ll find it hard to believe, but…
I want you to understand there is nothing more important to me than loving you and being loved by you.
You are the source of my deepest motivation. The reason I struggle so hard to create a space of freedom and success.
I truly only seek success in life in order to celebrate the joy of life with you.
Although I may seem limited in my capacity to love you now… I seek a level of freedom that would allow me to truly relax in your arms in deep bliss.
Surely you know that I want the same sweet loving harmony that you want?
We have some hurdles to overcome, don’t we?
‘Battle of the Sexes’ they call it.
So I’m going to reveal some truths that you may not have fully appreciated until now.
Insights and confessions that I believe will help you approach me in the ‘right’ way.
The way that allows me to open up to you and begin to trust in our potential love.
See.. the thing is…
Some of your most beautiful traits end up pushing me away…
Fact: I’m emotionally slower than you are. It is what it is.
So when you open your heart to me so readily, so freely, so deeply… I am unable to immediately trust the authenticity of your love.
It feels too fast, too premature, too ‘unconditional’.
Because… here’s the thing:
I wonder if you could have loved another man just as easily as you seem to be falling in love with me.. Without really knowing ME deeply enough. As if I’m replaceable. See?
Please try to grasp what I’m trying to express because I’m not saying I’m gods gift to women by any stretch. I am me. I am unique. And I want to find my match on the deepest level — not just someone who’s ‘loyal’.
Through our courtship I want to get to know you… and just as importantly, I really want you to get to know me. To know what drives me. What motivates me. What’s uniquely special about me. I want to know the same about you.
And for my male brain, all that takes time… it takes inquiry, it takes a series of ‘magic moments’ that let the truth of our connection sink in to my heart and my gut.
Am I Your Hero?
If you do not admire me as a hero; as your hero, I can not feel you as my goddess. Because love for me — as a man — is a reflection of the best inside me that I see reflected in you.
If you admire me as your hero, your ‘one’, your soulmate…. before I have even began to share my deepest, darkest convictions; the stories of my early experience that forged my personality, my attitude, my fears, my needs… then you feel too… easy.
Dare I say it, kind of like a worthless floozy.
I want something different. I want something that I have earned. That we both have earned. Like a hero’s quest that we journeyed separately at first and then met each other along the way… joined forces… conquered dragons… found the treasure (which is our love) and returned home together in unity.
Slow Down — It’s The Fastest Way
It seems to me that you can so quickly jump to the ‘returning home together’ part.
And yes I know that I jump to the going-to-bed-in-a-cave-half-way-along-the-journey part.
That’s just me. Sex is often easier for me emotionally than it is for you as a woman it seems. That’s no secret right? And we can have an emotionally healthy sexual relationship without it being a barrier to deeper intimacy. Sex can become a key milestone on the journey of deeper intimate connection. It’s sometimes also just good, pleasurable, healthy fun.
However, I know from experience that sharing sexual energy often leads you in to emotional entanglement quite quickly and easily.
This often makes me feel pressured, or that you have invested too much without getting to know me first. And unfortunately that emotionally makes me pull away… It’s swings and roudabouts and a genuine relationship challenge.
Protecting Your Self Without Pressuring Me
You may build up walls of emotional defense when you realize that I’m not ready for ‘relationship’ or ‘long-term commitment’.
You can get hurt or feel used. I get it.
From my side of things, that’s because general culture hasn’t embraced a positive and balanced attitude for our freedom to enjoy sensual, sexual pleasure or emotional connection with significant others without emotionally expecting their ‘long-term loyal commitment’.
And that attitude seems to block our best opportunities for love to grow with deep authentic intimacy.
Instead of gently nurturing intimacy with a worthy suitor, we rush to either bed-hop to avoid the challenge of intimacy or we try to find a long-term ‘loyal’ partner… even if that relationship has limited authenticity and lacks open communication.
Both are forms of avoidance.
After a time of dating, you start searching for a man to ‘settle down with’ and make that the goal rather than keeping authentic intimacy as the goal. Settling down becomes prioritized above intimate connection. That’s a huge cultural error we are facing.
And you may not think you’re putting any pressure on me… although it starts to feel that way, because believe it or not, I am often very intuitive about a woman’s feelings. Even if I’m not good at communicating about mine.
If you ask me ‘so, are you thinking of settling down any time soon?’ or any variations on that theme… major red flags go up in my mind.
You may say:
“I’ve been dating on and off for a while now and I’m ready to find a loyal partner to build a long-term relationship with, settle down, and start a family. So at this point in my life I’m really looking for something serious.”
Think of it like this:
Imagine we’re on a first or second date and I say to you:
“I’m very sexually active and keen on adding you to my inner circle of sleeping partners. Maybe once we get to know each other for 6 months or so, we might even go exclusive if things get serious. But of course I’ve only just met you, so yeh, I’d sleep with you.”
Now, you might think that kind of attitude is totally outrageous. That it’s disrespectful and feels like an emotional rollercoaster that you’d rather avoid.
Yet to me as a man, I feel the same way about you revealing any hint of interest in ‘commitment’ when we’ve barely even started getting to know each other.
I realize you haven’t asked me for commitment at that point… only that you want to find a committed relationship soon… although that difference doesn’t register on my mind very easily because of my past negative experiences with dating types like a ‘Bella Pressure’ or a ‘Helen Hunter’ who’ve pursued me way too prematurely and aggressively — leaving me with emotional baggage that’s hard to forget.
So I tend to read between the lines and project neediness onto your behavior.
Deep down I really crave the deep intimacy that will lead to lasting loving harmony in relationship.
I just need to be approached in a very specific way.
In my letter tomorrow I’ll explain the ways in which I yearn for intimacy.
For now, I think romance is a good indication of intimacy. Here’s what I think romance is about in a holistic sense:
I believe we can achieve romantic bliss. How? Via the celebration of loving harmony and sexual tension when we help each other feel safe and secure within a relationship that respects our differences and allows us to fully communicate our own individuality.
What a task… but that’s what I’m committed to achieving through conscious relationship.
I look forward to sharing my 2nd letter tomorrow.
Evolved Man (in training)
P. S. Not all evolved men or women think the same. We are in a giddy process of re-shaping our perspectives on life, each other, and even our selves. We’re in a time of rapid transition and transformation. The aim is to become fully expressive in relationship while remaining entirely true to ourselves.
P.P.S. Download my Special Report (if you haven’t already) on the 15 Things That Men Wish Women Knew About A Man’s Needs In Dating, Sex, Love & Relationship.